Hipsters are known for many things: ironic fashion statements, pretentious attitudes and a carefully curated social media presence. They possess a constantly updated library of obscure bands to love when their current favorite gets too popular to be cool anymore. And they take their food very seriously.
Like any sub-culture, hipsters are drawn to a certain set of food ideals. While we admire many of them — like artisanal provisions and locally harvested produce — we hate what hipsters have done to them. It all comes down to attitude, which is serious, self-serving and judgmental. (We realize we’re being judgmental too right now. Just go with it. This is all in good fun.) We, like hipsters, value homemade crafts and healthy eating, for example, but we won’t judge you if you don’t. We also value good food made by small farms and manufacturers, but we don’t need to tweet about it all the time. We’re okay eating a foraged mushroom even if no one knows about it.
We’re also fans of some of the specific foods beloved by hipsters. We’re certainly no stranger to the fancy doughnut shops, but we like simple, old-fashioned doughnuts just as much. We adore Brussels sprouts and love pickles, but we don’t think we’re better than you for eating them every day. Hipsters, you’re our friends. We just wish you’d tone it down a notch and lighten up a little when it comes to your food obsessions.
Here are 22 foods we think hipsters need to calm down about before they ruin them all for good.
Cold Brew Coffee
Hipsters and fancy coffee, especially cold brew, go together like peanut butter and jelly. But we don’t need your pretentious attitude so early in the morning, thanks.
Anything off of a food truck
We get it. Food trucks are cool. You’re not cool for eating from them, however.
What’s the deal? We love pickles too, but why are you hipsters so obsessed?
Brussels sprouts are great, but hipsters, you have turned them from a cool vegetable to an unstoppable, inescapable craze. Now they’re so trendy we bet you’re over them too.
If you’re able to lie to yourself and others so much that you can convince yourself that kombucha actually tastes good, you are a true hipster. If you are willing to grow the slimy culture in your own home, you have successfully achieved something all hipsters strive for but few actually realize: complete alienation from all other humans.
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You can like bacon, but you can’t own bacon. You have to recognize that the WHOLE WORLD likes bacon too. Liking bacon does not make you tough, nor does it make you special.
You can have PBR, however.
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From salads to smoothies, kale is everywhere, and hipsters, you have commandeered this leafy green in the worst way. Despite what you may think, it’s not going to solve all your problems.
Anything served in a mason jar
Especially overpriced cocktails.
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Kimchi is amazing, but it doesn’t have to be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day.
Tacos, of course, aren’t exclusively or originally a hipster food. Hipsters, however, think they invented the damn things and own the rights to any and all iterations of tacos, for all time.
Need we say more?
We know you’d eat a corn dog if it was labeled artisanal. Do you see the error of your ways? Well, we guess you’d eat a regular corn dog too to be ironic. But you can’t win with corn dogs, so give it up already.
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Ramps may be spring’s most hipster vegetable.
Yes, we get it, you brew your own beer. It doesn’t mean it’s good.
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Just because those weeds in the park are edible doesn’t mean you should eat them. Again, we support foraging, but we don’t support eating foraged food just to tell your Instagram following that you did it.
Or vegan anything that shouldn’t be vegan. We’re pro vegan food. Just not when it’s trying to be something it’s not.
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Your green juice costs more than your rent. Are you happy now?
Two rules: cauliflower is not meant for pizza and you should stop calling it steak.
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This video says it all, but craft beer couldn’t be better fodder for niche-obsessed hipsters.