Yes, please, give me the 20-minute origin story of your special beans.
1. The iced coffee costs ONE HUNDRED more dollars than hot coffee. Literally one hundred dollars more. Why?
2. The grimace on the face of your barista when you ask if they have flavored syrups.
3. If you DO find extras to add, like soy milk or whipped cream, you’re up to like $9 in no time.
4. And no Sweet’N Low or Equal? WHY? You’re too good for Sweet’N Low???
5. The moral superiority of those who insist on pour-over coffee.
(And it’s not even ever that hot?)
6. The nearly day-long wait. For the “craft.”
7. The time it takes to prepare any of the offered sandwiches, and how annoyed your barista is at you for ordering it. Though it is on the menu.
8. The way your hair smells after you leave. Like smoky bean death.
9. The passive-aggressive Luddite signs.
All right. We can decide who to talk to.
10. On the other hand, the clientele.
OK buddy. Calm down.
11. In general, the die-hard loyalty these places inspire. Over a drink.
COFFEE IS LIFE.
12. The staffs of mean, hungover 23-year-olds.
“Omg, I’m so hungover.” “No, no. Dude. I am so hungover. You don’t even know.”
13. The outlandish prices.
I should not be able to round my coffee total up to $10!!!
14. The oppressively boring art music.
I want to diiiiiiiiie.
15. The stupid, stupid furniture.
This feels like a punishment. Do you want me … to leave.
16. Coffee art: takes so long, gone in one sip.
Save it for the canvas, Monet.
17. The general decline of intellectual discourse in café culture since the end of Weimar Germany in the 1930s.