Why huge line-ups for the iPhone 5S are a sign of the apocalypse

September 20, 2013 11:04 am 0 comments Views: 956

WHO are these morons?

Seriously, who the hell are these dopes lined up halfway to hell waiting to buy some piece of iCrap which does exactly the same stuff as their old piece of  iTrash, only in a newer and vaguely shinier way?

What the hell has happened to humanity? It’s a beautiful spring day outside. People could go to the beach before work or, y’know, just go for a nice healthy walk or something.

But nooooo. It’s like, let’s all stand around like sheep and buy some absolutely useless piece of iDrivel for five hundred bucks because there’s absolutely no better thing in the world to spend your hard-earned cash on.

 There are no beaches on the Gold Coast, er, apparently, so everyone is lining up for iJunk instead.

There are no beaches on the Gold Coast, er, apparently, so everyone is lining up for iJunk instead. Source:News Limited

Oh, but it’s a got a new wackadoo doo-dat blip-blap thingy, so it must be awesome. Gimme a break. Actually give me about 206 breaks. That’s every bone in the body. Maybe then I won’t be able to feel the pain of a world where people’s only concern is accumulating more and more useless bloody iShite.

Let me share a little story with you. Back in 2006 when working for a sporting magazine, I attended a thing in New York City where Apple and Nike launched some whizzbang shoe/running data techno-whatsie system.

It was all very exciting. The Nike guy said he didn’t really understand the technology behind the new system whereby runners could monitor their every step on their computer after their run. But hey, he sure knew a guy who did.

In walked Steve Jobs in his trademark jeans and skivvy. He was tall. He said some stuff. He was an impressive enough guy, I guess. I had never heard of him until that day. But hey, he knew how to work a room.

There’s this whole mythology around Steve Jobs that pretty much says he changed the world. Steve Jobs didn’t change the world. He blended good design and made a bunch of great products – as well as a bunch of so-so creations like the shoe-techno blah blah thingy he launched that day.

What Steve Jobs did change is the WAY we consume things. He made stuff easier to consume. To be fair, he probably saved innumerable trees and loads of gooey chemical crap that makes CDs and stuff. Heck, he’s probably done more for the environment than Steve Irwin.

Then again, maybe not. Because Steve Jobs, wittingly or unwittingly, made rampant consumerism fashionable again. There’s a buzz around this new iThing not because it does something new and radical and fabulously wonderful but because it’s there. Simple as that.

Nice guy. Fertile mind. Creator of itches that need to be scratched.

Nice guy. Fertile mind. Creator of itches that need to be scratched. Source: AFP

Believe it or not, this piece isn’t about being hoity-toity and holier-than-thou. I am not better than you. I am wearing Diesel shoes and Mavi jeans today. I am the same level of product slave that you are.


The one bunch of doofuses (doofii?) I do feel superior to today is the throng who queued up to get their iFix this morning. These people call themselves Apple fans but they’re actually suckers, plain and simple. They think if they get something first they’ll be better and awesomer and hipper and connecteder and whateverer.

Like I say, they should go for a walk. Either that or buy a book. An actual book made of paper that they can hold in their hands. They should savour that book, revel in its sheer tactile bookiness, enjoy the object for its appearance as much for what lies within.

Steve Jobs himself would have approved of that.

Get More Right To Your Inbox!