“Instead of doing things, how about we don’t do things?”
1. You cannot understand why anyone would go to a crushingly overcrowded bar. On purpose.
That does not make sense.
2. What’s that sound that’s in every song now? That dubstep thing? Yeah, you can’t handle that.
3. Waiting in an infinity-long line for food is not happening.
You stick with your favorite spot, “Any Place Without a Line.”
4. You prefer English to whatever-this-is, thanks.
5. Any concert that doesn’t involve seats is basically torture.
“My back hurts and I’m tired and you’re all really sweaty and I’m going home now.”
6. We don’t even need to discuss festivals.
7. This is no longer cute.
8. Not having health insurance: too old for that shit.
9. Just looking at shots being poured gives you a headache.
10. Theme parties are cause for immediate eye roll.
Can I just come to your party? Do I have to buy a fedora? *sigh*
11. You believe that cupcakes are not for adults.
12. Moving an entire apartment of heavy junk is off the table.
That’s why telephone poles invented Man With Van flyers.
13. You’re done with team building, retreats, trust falls, icebreakers.
Too old. For this shit.
14. Relentless optimism is exhausting. You’ve seen too much.
15. Trying to meet someone is, like… effort. Too much effort.
16. Ugh, mind games. Who has time for this?
17. You can’t/won’t/aren’t interested in keeping up with every new social network. Snapchat is a bridge too far.
18. Everyone is always giving you guff for being a buzzkill.
19. You couldn’t care less about this guff, because YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.