1. Cards on the table, I am pale. Irish pale. Like this girl sunbathing. No, not her. The other one.
2. This is me.
3. Fellow pale Irish person Niall Horan understands.
4. Us pale people know to fear the sun. For us, tan is a four letter word.
5. But I’m OK with it. Because tanning is awful.
6. Up until the 1920s, it wasn’t considered refined in Western countries to tan.
7. In fact, a backronym for the word ‘posh’ derives from the phrase ‘Port Out, Starboard Home’ – ie the shadiest sides of the ship on each voyage.
8. Tanning came back into fashion after Coco Chanelaccidentally got sunburnt on holidays.
9. Her friends liked her suntan, and the trend caught on. Cheers, Coco.
10. But really, let’s think about this. Is a tan worth it?
11. Yeah, you can prove exactly how sunny your holiday was.
12. And sure, you’ve got a sunkissed glow.
13. But you’re hiding your true colours.
14. No matter how much attention you pay to your suncream, there’ll always be a bit you miss.
15. And you’ll have to live with the consequences of your actions.
16. And let’s say, against all odds, you manage to avoid sunburn, and pick up a tan.
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17. Your friends will either tell you how odd you look…
18. Or tell you how you look unwell once it fades.
19. Fake tan’s not much better.
20. Especially if you happen to get dumped.
21. Let’s not even talk about tanning booths, or the health risks involved.
22. Come on now. Would you rather be Lindsay, or Nicola?
23. Donatella or Dita?
24. Tan Mom or Tilda?
25. Thought as much. So pick up that parasol.
26. Throw on that sunhat.
27. And come join me in the glorious, glorious shade.